I have spent my entire life masking my autism.

As a young child I did so to simply survive into adulthood.

As an adult I did so in order to “fit-in” and gain social acceptance. Unlike my LGBTQ+ status, which I am always proud to publicly share, there is this other part of me - my autism - which I’ve masked and hidden from everyone, including myself, for nearly 70 years.

Because I did not understand it. I never understood why human relationships are so incredibly difficult for me to navigate. I never understood how people around me could so easily pick-up on social cues and never seem to misinterpret conversations or subtle social nuances. While I struggled with the most basic social interactions.

And now, it has become too exhausting for me to continue to mask all this.

I’ve always been open about being mildly dyslexic. I always knew I struggled to make eye contact when speaking to others. I can draw endlessly for hours, lost in the repetition of ink lines and create mind-numbingly meticulous drawings that garner me positive feedback. I knew that I was prone to dissociation. I get lost and totally preoccupied in other worlds, I check-out and stare out a window for hours, sometimes experiencing lost time in a dissociative fugue. Or I listen to the same piece of music repetitiously while surfing some internal emotion trying to figure out what it is because of alexithymia, it is difficult for me to correctly identify emotions that I feel. Sometimes I can be feeling a really big emotion and not know how to identify it or I identify it incorrectly. Also, certain subjects become all-encompassing passions for me. Being interrupted while hyper-focused on something can result in a very negative reaction. I constantly fidget with a spinner ring I wear on my left thumb when stressed. I need my home to be an absolute safe space at all times, no visitors.

What I didn’t know, until recently was these things, as a collection of traits, accurately describe autism.

I was misdiagnosed for over 35 years. Given powerful psychotropic medications that I should not have been given. They further served to mask what was really going on. I became a ‘corporate zombie’, able to function, working 70 hours a week. Unable to experience or express ANY emotions beyond the baseline. This was my era of chemical masking.

When I retired in 2017 I stopped taking those medications, cold turkey, and never had an issue. But it meant I had to work harder to consciously mask my autism. I discovered that living as a recluse, limiting most all social interactions worked well for me.

I was correctly diagnosed by a Psychiatrist over a year ago. It has taken me this long to finally accept it.

I do not engage with any form of social media for obvious reasons. I keep most of my individual social interactions online. Emails and IM’s are easier for me to manage. But still - a certain amount of masking is required to keep even online people at bay. That has now become exhausting as well.

I do not experience people as being “safe”. I never have. This is why I rarely draw people, while almost always drawing animals. I love animals and for me, they are very safe and comforting to be around. My 4 cats help keep me grounded on a daily basis.

So, here I am - coming out of the neurodivergent closet. I just want to be left alone so I can write and illustrate my books and create my little online worlds. I never experience loneliness. I think the concept of loneliness is constructed by neurotypical people who experience safety within social structures. I, on the other hand, enjoy and feel safest in my solitude. I have a couple of people I absolutely trust who I can talk to about all this, and really, that is all I need.