The Shame Game

OMG shame businessman

I was going to save this for tomorrow but it’s been eating away at me and since I have no one to talk to I’m going to talk about it here so I can move on with my day.

In the past 96 days, I have spoken in-person to 3 people. My UPS Delivery Guy, The Walmart Pharmacist, and a Post Office clerk. The approximate accumulated time of all these interactions was probably less than 10 minutes.

Let that sink in for a moment.

During the past 2,304 hours of my life, I’ve spent LESS THAN 10 minutes talking in-person to other people.

I was sharing with someone last night in an online conversation that I sometimes miss building in Second Life, something I quit doing in January – 6 months ago. She immediately inferred that this meant I was an “addict”.  This is not the first time I have been “shamed” about my involvement in Second Life – But this time it really got to me. There are people in my life who have made it no secret, practically campaigning that they wanted me OUT of Second Life – people who either really have no clue what Second Life is or have no clue what I did there. And last night – this one question repeatedly crossed my mind –

“Just how alone and isolated do I have to be to make these people happy?”

If they are so triggered by my mere mention of the fact that I miss something I did for over 10.5 years? And they KNOW I have been completely alone for the past 96 days – so really … Just HOW ALONE do I have to be to make them happy and stop shaming me?

These are not people who even reach out to me regularly so clearly they already don’t care about how alone I am – so why do they want to control what I do? I know that they mistakenly think they are “protecting me” from being hurt again. But let’s review here –

I was in Second Life for 8.5 years with my 2nd avatar and over 2 years with my first avatar – that’s over 10.5 years. During those 10.5 years, I had 2 committed relationships. TWO. One lasted 5 years the other a little over 1 year. Both relationships ended because I chose to end them. I ended the relationships. I wasn’t dumped or cheated on. I ended the relationships because they no longer worked for me. I had discovered with the second relationship that using Second Life socially as a way to deal with being transgender simply was not working for me. Maybe it works for others but it doesn’t for me. And Yes that was painful to assimilate – but guess what? Being 65 and stuck in the wrong body is pretty fucking painful too and I have to live with that every goddamned day of my life.

The only other negative thing that happened to me in Second Life was, as a builder, I had some ideas and designs stolen from me and sold by other disreputable builders. When I was in High School, 1970 – I had 3 paintings of mine stolen from an art show. Should I have quit High School and stopped creating art so that wouldn’t happen again? Do you see where I’m going here?

But it’s the “shaming” that really got to me this time. This inference that there MUST be something terribly wrong with me to miss being in Second Life.

Really? This is it?

This is what you want me to feel ashamed of?

Life is short and I’ve allowed this to go on far too long without addressing it. I do have one regret and that is I regret ever telling anyone I was using Second Life or what was going on with me there in the first place. Whether or not I choose to return to Second Life in the future there is one promise I have made to myself – and that is this: I will never share that information about my life with anyone again.

Until next time … here’s Dr. Alban with ‘It’s My Life’

 

Categories: #cmralph, LGBTQ, Life, Second Life

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