More Power Outages, Cats, and Life

more bullshit

Continued Power Outages finally forced me to dig into my quickly diminishing retirement savings  and purchase a solar generator for my house –

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I fully intend to BILL PG&E by filing a claim for this equipment and the battery operated lanterns and wearable head light gear I have had to purchase in order to cope with this ongoing problem.

Cat updates – after spending another $1,500.00 in vet bills and several sleepless nights I have gotten all 4 backyard kittens – (NOW INDOOR ONLY) – spayed, neutered, vaccinated and treated for fleas and worms. Their Mom remains outside and she will be next to have these procedures done as she has demonstrated a need to be indoors and loved by humans. Observing her these past weeks I am convinced she came from an indoor home and was either dumped here when she had kittens or abandoned by a neighbor.

As anyone following my posts on Facebook can tell you, I have fallen in love with each of these little ‘soul warmers’ who now find themselves in my care and they have adjusted well to indoor-only life. I am going to have a page on the website devoted to their story and photos soon. You currently can see some pics under the “Studio” link from my main page.

A year ago (November 27th, 2018)  I wrote this blog post:

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“I woke-up this morning thinking about my secret pen pal. I don’t have a secret pen pal, but I sometimes think they really do exist and we just haven’t met yet. I think one day they will stumble upon this blog or see one of my little films and they will immediately know that we were meant to be secret pen pals and they will write to me.

When I think about my secret pen pal I always smile. Because I know we would have so much fun sharing stories from our inner worlds. Stories we never told anyone else. We would send each other strange little things in the mail that would have absolutely no meaning to anyone else. But we would know how important they were – we would confer upon these treasures deep meaning.

My secret pen pal would “get” me and my imagination and I would “get” theirs too. They wouldn’t think anything I said or did was odd or weird. They would look forward with great anticipation to hearing from me as I would them.

We would always be delighted to hear from each other and our worlds would each become a brighter place because of the pure joy found in our correspondence.”

About a month after publishing that post, my Secret Pen Pal appeared in my life. She was everything I imagined she would be and so much more. Without a doubt we were soulmates in the truest essence of the word. We began creating things together for no other reason than the sheer joy of creation, we fell in love on a level many people may not understand and we were both so very happy.

After 6 months, a set of circumstances aligned in such a way that things went awry, miscommunications occurred, my quick temper, ego and insecurities got the best of me and I ended our relationship abruptly. A painful,  gaping hole formed in my heart where her love had been and no matter how hard I tried to mask it or blow-it-off as ‘inconsequential’, it was there every day, an unrelenting pain, a dull heart ache,  from the moment I got up until I fell back to sleep. My soul had lost it’s mate. My inner child had lost their playmate, and the part of me that could only be understood by her, and no one else, grew dark, cold and went silent. I became bitter and moody. Everything made me angry. Everything made me depressed. It was like all the color drained out of my world.

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I have never felt so alone as I did in the aftermath of that separation. No one and nothing could console me and even though I did my best to pretend I was doing just fine with my new “Fuck you, I’m happy” attitude.  Although it may have fooled a lot of others and maybe even me for a while – inside I only became progressively more isolated, alone, angry and distant from the world around me.

As time passed I made choices I should not have made. I unnecessarily hurt and disappointed people and I became more and more bitter, agitated, and angry. I was lashing out at the slightest provocation to the point where I was ingesting over-the-counter sedatives just to get through daily interactions with others without blowing-up.  I woke-up feeling absolute dread every single morning. Angry that I woke-up every day in a world reality where she did not exist. I continued to withdraw more and more from those around me. My pain became my source of solace and refuge. It was all I had left of her and I refused to share that with anyone.

After 5 months of this, another set of circumstances brought us back into each other’s orbit – a blog post, just like the Secret Pen Pal one, caused her to write to me and from that we began to mend the tear in the Universal fabric between us.

Life is short. Follow your heart, not your ego. Listen to that voice without words …

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Until next time …

Categories: #cmralph, Life, positive energy