Rainy Day Blues

rainy day

So last night I packed all the crushed aluminum cans and donations going to Goodwill into my car for delivery today. Woke-up this morning and it’s pouring down rain! Since I’d have to wait in a line outdoors to get the cans weighed I think I’ll wait until the rain stops to run those errands.

I have a painting I am working on (and filming) that is in a drying state before I can work on it some more. Perhaps I’ll noodle on that for a while. I have great hopes for this painting.

WIP

I also need to work on the website addition pages. So I have plenty of indoors stuff I can attend to.

I’m feeling a little down today, I think I’m lonely. I’ve been trying to make new friends but I am failing miserably at it. I try not to think I’m “too weird” for people, and take it personally as a judgement but I really am beginning to suspect that may be the case.

November of last year I wrote a post about waiting to find My Secret Pen Pal

The amazing thing was, she showed-up in my life the next month in Second Life, but the problem was instead of just keeping it at a friendship level I fell deeply in love with her and I think she fell in love with me too. But for her the relationship could only exist in Second Life, she was straight, married with a family and barely understood anything about what being transgender was or the LGBTQ community. Still, because I was a man in Second Life, she accepted our relationship as “normal”. I had always been satisfied with just “online” relationships in the past. But my feelings for her grew much stronger than that and so Second Life, which had been a virtual respite for me allowing me to have a male body for over 7 years, suddenly became a toxic and tormenting reminder of what I could never have or be. A virtual prison from which I could not escape.

That’s why I left Second Life. Sometimes we build our own prisons without even realizing it.

So, now I try my best to stay focused on my work and my Real Life. I remind myself that this pain I am feeling now will lessen with every day as my heart heals. The time I spent creating in Second Life I now spend creating in Real life. I read more books now, I meditate, I exercise more and go for walks. And when I feel that deep hollow feeling in my chest, the full weight of my sadness, I remind myself that this too shall pass.

This is a good song to convey my feelings right now –

Prisons

Until next time …

 

 

Categories: #cmralph, #theundisclosedstudio, LGBTQ, LifeTags: ,

cmralph

visual artist, author, filmmaker